my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
