My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
