I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
