I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I got inside last night via doggy door
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
