mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
its liver damage thursday
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
