Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
