so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
