he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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