I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
