I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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