and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
