so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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