the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
