I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The air was thick with penises
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
