He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
