I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
