He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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