Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
