i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You ever have a fart follow you around?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
