Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
