yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
