I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
