im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
