I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
