Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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