Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
