The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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