His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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