Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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