I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
