I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
