i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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