Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
