Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
