I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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