Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
