Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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