My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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