1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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