Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
