i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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