My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
