If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I pour the whiskey from now on
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
