Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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