I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
