I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
