this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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