You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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