So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
