i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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