So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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