Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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