I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
