I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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