How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
even my farts smell like vagina
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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