Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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