Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
