I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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