The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
