She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
