Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Houston, we have a blender
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
